Monochrome: Christ Almighty
by Sasaki in a Top Hat
Summary: ...So I'm here in a place I don't know with an idiot and a douchebag with really bad taste. I'm just gonna write this all down because, well, Journal, you're here and I have a pen. But I've just gotta say, this place is pretty ridiculous.  ISSHU FIC


Hi, Journal.

Well, I found you at the bottom of my bag underneath my berry pouch, so there's some juice on you and Bacon's starting to nibble on your corner - Okay, it's fine now, I tied him up. So anyway, I might as well write this all down. It's been pretty hectic.

Right, sorry, Journal. My name is Ceyeri Seepier... well, not really, but I'm forced to use this name and if _they_ see my using my real name anywhere at all, I'll be... I'll be somethinged. I don't know and truthfully I don't wanna know. Honestly, I don't even know how to pronounce this damn thing. Kay-Eh-Ree? Sai-Ree? I think I'm gonna go with See-Air-Ree because... because. Yup.

Even if I can't tell you my name, I'll tell you who I am. I'm the Champion of Johto! Was. Was the Champion of Johto. Yes, the climactic battle all over the TVs! The auburn-haired boy and that blonde chick who I couldn't really care less about. The boy was down to his starting Pokémon, a fierce Feraligatr, the girl in the type advantage with an Ampharos. Yet, she nor the crowd expected the blue beast to stomp the earth... their eyes grew wide as cracks erupted all over the stadium ground and the poor electric type fell to its knees – but they probably should've known, as it's not really a complicated trick.

After I was inducted to the Hall of Fame and warded off my dozens of new, pretty admirers who were all completely and utterly and totally smitten with me, I made it to my hotel room to pack up my stuff. But the minute I opened my suitcase a small indigo bulb leapt out at me. With a sweet smile a puff of blue, sparkly powder was blown into my face. The next thing knew, I was here.

So I'm here in a place I don't know with an idiot and a douchebag with really bad taste. Well, it's not like I hate it here, but it's ridiculous. I mean, Christ, it has a desert next to an ocean next to a friggin' mountain with snow on top. And you know? Those mountains are pretty puny. 'Bout half a mile high or maybe three quarters if I'm not mistaken.

Well, Journal, if I'm going to keep you I might as well make my scribblings as eloquent as possible. Maybe someday I'll read it again? Hell, if I can get outta here somehow, I bet I can publish this. So here goes.

**MONOCHROME: Christ Almighty, What The Hell Is Up With This Place**

**Chapter One: Of Reality and Fiction**

Gentle light peeked through the curtains, coming to rest on the slight form of a devilishly handsome teenager. Yes, dear readers, t'was I, curled up in the cyan blankets with my mind far away in unconscious bliss. Dark red hair draped over my closed eyelids, hiding beautiful blue orbs from the world-

(Oh god, I think I just puked a little in my mouth. Hang on.)

Slowly, my eyes creaked open. An unfamiliar ceiling swam into view, a delightfully plain cream with a solitary light bulb in the center. My brows furrowed. Propping myself up with my arm I surveyed the rest of the strange room. Dulled sunlight glinted off brand-new furniture, the kind only seen in furniture shops unless parents had let their children go a little too wild. The blankets now tangled around my waist were stiff and scratchy – a peak poked into my gut, without the slightest bit of crumpling. The ocean-green carpet sprang up cheerfully from the ground, nary a foot to smash it down. I rubbed my eyes with the balls of my hands. Another glance confirmed the fact. "Where the Jesus am I?"

With feet planted in the turquoise fuzz I wandered over to the wall near a flight of stairs descending into who-knows-where. I jabbed my finger on a white square and the whole room was flooded with over-bright light. My eyes shut instinctively, but soon after a few painful squints I could get a better look at the whole room.

"Wait, wait, holy crap." That wasn't really there, was it? No, of course not. The slim silver giant in the corner was just a mirage. Yup. It definitely was not a friggin' ten foot HD TV. Ahaha. Nope.

As I ignored the TV illusion, I strode over to the window and flung the curtains open and promptly fell backwards. Staring at me with cold grey eyes was a boy about my age perched upon my sill. Did I mention those stairs earlier? Going down? Yeah, I was on the second floor and he was crouching on a ledge barely six inches long. Glasses were propped up on his nose, and long dark hair fell in his face. He was wearing a comfortable-looking blue jacket over some other kind of shirt (it was white with red or something, but I don't really care WHAT shirt it was), and a pair of black jeans. He tapped irritably on the window, which I nervously opened for him.

He didn't enter, only realigned his footing and leaned in close. "So you're the last one, huh?" he said, his voice rather high but noticeably broken (which was pretty much the exact opposite of mine, low but still boyish). He deftly pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket. "Kay-... Key-..." He frowned and shoved the paper in my face, rather literally. With an astounded blink I took the slip and read it. 'Ceyeri Seepier'.

"What're you talking about? That's not my name!" I protested. "My name's T-" And in a single, swift motion the odd boy gripped the window frame tightly, swung out his legs, and kicked me squarely in the face. I flew backwards as pain exploded on my forehead. "Jesus Christ!" I hollered the moment I stopped seeing stars. "What the hell was that for?"

He had swung back perfectly and looked as if he had not moved a muscle. Not an expression marred his stony glare. "While you're here, you're Keh-whatever, not the Johto Champion." Upon seeing my bewildered (the hell did he know that?), bruised face a slight sigh escaped his lips. "Look, I barely know what's happening either, but in case you haven't noticed there happens to be a camera in your bed." He pointed to the dark headrest. There didn't seem to be anything odd about it... "Look closer, you dunce," he said in a way that almost made it seem as if he had not just insulted me. I squinted closer. A very slight glint met my eyes, as what I previously thought was a knot in the wood retracted away from my stare.

"...Well," was all I could say.

"They're everywhere I look," he muttered. Some sort of bird chose that time to flutter past his perch, twittering joyfully. Before I knew what had happened, the boy threw out his hand and grabbed the unfamiliar creature by the neck. He stared at it carefully, before holding it out for me to see. Indeed, the well-made robot's eyes were cameras, whirring madly. Once he was sure I'd gotten a good look at it he nonchalantly tossed it out behind him. He regarded me coldly. "Remember a while ago when they were doing that whole viral marketing for a new reality TV show?"

Eerie videos wormed their way into my mind. The darkest, most dangerous place ever, only recently discovered! Somehow. I nodded.

"As far as I can tell, we're the stars," he sighed. Conversely to his morose statement, I started laughing at the top of my lungs.

"What kind of dark, dangerous place is THIS?" I spluttered, waving my arms at my cushy, hotel-like room. "And why the Jesus would they take a newly-inducted Champion, one of the strongest trainers _ever_, to some dumb place like this?"

The young teen was not amused. "They happened to take three Champions, thank you very much." I stopped laughing suddenly. True, the boy did look familiar... Hoenn, or something? "I think it's some sort of irony situation. Strong trainers reduced to noobs." Wait, did he really just say 'noob'? He looked distractedly into the middle-distance and put a finger to his bottom lip. "I just wonder why they used the newer Champions, not the older ones like that boy with the red hat..." He stayed like that for several minutes, until I bothered to stand up and snap my fingers in his face. He blinked a few times. "Sorry. Anyway, I think it's best we should pretend to be noob trainers."

Ugh, he used it again. "Why's that?"

A tiny, but sad smile twisted on his lips. "Just... just wait until you see the other trainer." His normal, calm demeanour returned and he stood up to stretch. Again, I must mention the fact he is outside on a half-foot ledge many yards above the ground. "Well, I have the feeling I'll be seeing you again soon, Keh-whatever."

"Wait!" I yelled before he had the chance to leave. He stared down at me, annoyed. "Just who the hell are you, anyway?"

"You can call me Cheren. Well, you're going to have to. The other kid is named Bel. So again, Keh-whatever, I'll be off now." And of course he merely pindropped away, staring at me the entire time. I rushed to the window. He was nowhere to be seen.

I spent a good few hours sitting in my room, as I had tried to go down the stairs but the door was locked and I wasn't quite confident enough to leap out the window like my bespectacled acquaintance. I'd raided the drawers and soon found myself wearing a powder blue and royal blue jacket and a pair of plain denim jeans, and I had tamed my messy auburn hair underneath a generic red and white cap (but my fringe still fell to my nose, which was really annoying). The TV worked perfectly but I just couldn't understand what the hell the people on it were saying. It sounded vaguely like my language, but the accent was thicker than a Twilight omnibus. I decided to amuse myself by muting the audio and dubbing nonsense over the top.

The click of a door opening broke me out of my vocal parody of a celebrity I've forgotten the name of (hey, I'm not good with names), and I leapt up and rushed to my stairwell to see if I'd finally been freed from this bizarre prison sentence. My grin dropped the moment my foot touched the second step – it was still closed tight. Yet I took my chance and walked down, just in case it had simply been unlocked, but one twist of the metal knob confirmed my fears. With a defeated sigh, I turned to walk up the stairs.

Another sudden appearance met my eyes. A woman, possibly in her mid thirties stood at the very top of the staircase, her eyes wide in surprise. Orange hair was swept up what looked like a cross in between a bun, a ponytail, and an afro. She was clad in a white tank top and a turquoise thigh-length skirt. She wore a white coat that reached her knees over the top of this, opened up (well, of course, otherwise I wouldn't be able to tell what she was wearing). Large, bulging pockets covered the entirety of it. A lab coat, perhaps? Her face twitched into a nervous smile.

"You never saw me, okay?" she said, the accent from the TV obvious in her smooth tones but not nearly as strong. I was about to answer, but in the time it took me to open my mouth and make the first syllable she had dashed downstairs, flung me to the side, unlocked the door and slammed it shut behind her. I numbly walked back up and flopped on my bed.

"...Well," was all I could say.

A few more minutes of numb waiting went by as I tried and failed to process what had just happened, until again I was brought to by the sound of the door. This time, however, it was a sharp rap on the wood. I didn't go up or answer, just let out an annoyed moan.

"Are you up there, honey?" called another woman's voice, about the same age at that lady scientist and with the same accent strength. "Your friends are here to see you!"

Ignoring the first sentence, I sat up. "Who?"

"Your friends, sweetie!" I supposed this was meant to be my mother. I idly wondered what would happen if my real mom saw this...

I was about to ask who _exactly_, until the bruise on my face pulsed with pain and a slight whir began behind me. "Oh right, my friends, yeah! Um, send them up, I guess." (I'm not really an actor).

The door clicked open and two sets of footsteps rose to meet me. The first thing I saw was the odd hair flick of Cheren's otherwise straight hair bobbing up and down. The stoic boy turned his head to face me, shot me that rueful smile once again and briefly looked behind him. The next person, who I assumed was that 'Bel' person Cheren was talking about, was following behind him. They were wearing a green beret.

"As I said, we meet again," the bespectacled boy said, tucking some hair behind his ear. I was about to answer but before I opened my mouth and uttered the first syllable, I was tackled to the ground in a blur of green and orange. I tried to get back up and yell, but I was feeling rather dizzy (and there was the fact I had been physically pinned to the ground by someone).

"Oh my God, so you're that guy!" a girl's voice exclaimed. "You know, you're that guy with the stuff, right, right, aren't you?"

"Probably," I mumbled, dazed. I looked up at my excitable assailant. It was a girl, as I had assumed. She had short, messy blonde hair in an out-grown bob, which flicked wildly in every direction (mostly up). Her grass green eyes stared into mine intently. As far as I could see she was wearing an orange vest-sort-of-thing-possibly-half-tank-top and a white shirt underneath (white shirts seem to be all the rage in this region, even I'm wearing one under my jacket). She was grinning ear to ear and... almost looked psychotic.

"So you are? So that girl-man over there wasn't lying, you're totally the guy with the stuff, right, right?" I heard an irritated sigh from Cheren's direction and I stifled the urge to laugh. Bel was talking starting to talk way too fast for me to keep up.

"So, um, what the hell _is_ the stuff you're talking about?" I managed to interject eventually. She stopped talking and pointed behind me.

"Y'know, that stuff over there in the-" she cut herself off. "Holy crap TV!" She leapt off of me and started to fuss over the thing I'd gotten over ages ago. I turned to look where she had pointed.

You know, I was pretty surprised I hadn't noticed before, but there on a table at the base of my bed was a friggin' ginormous present. Like, you know, cliché cartoon present. My mind flashed back to the scientist lady. Perhaps it was her who put the oversized box there? ...How the hell did it get through the door? I stood up and after waiting for the dizziness to subside I strode over to it. I braced my legs – the thing was almost as big as I was, so it must be really damn heavy, right? I gripped each side and tugged it up with all my might...

And as I recovered from falling on my back for the umpteenth time that day, I discovered that it was actually rather light, damn it. I glanced behind me. Cheren was stifling a chuckle and Bel was trying to find a video player, oblivious. I stood up and coughed gruffly.

"Well then, let's see what's in here." I pulled the ribbon open and the silken red fabric collapsed to the floor. The wrapping paper was next and it was crumpled into as small and tight a ball as I could get it. I could see the black-haired boy getting impatient, but I merely pulled a face at him. Eventually, I got around to snapping the tape open and flinging the lid off.

"YAAAAAAAAY~!" cried a happy voice as a certain blonde leapt into the container and showered Cheren and myself with packaging pellets (you know the ones that you can kinda eat? Melt in your mouth? Yeah, them). I peered inside. Bel was completely submerged in the little pellets – the only way I could tell she was in there was the rustling and shifting of the contents (which were only pellets) and Cheren cursing at her softly.

She exploded out in another shower of white foam, holding three, shiny spheres. The tops were a metallic red and the bottom a matte off-white. "Ahaha! Pokuh-whatsits!" she giggled, throwing one at Cheren and me. I actually caught it before it slammed into my face (God knows it does not need more bruises). Before I tossed the ball on the ground I stalled. Didn't Cheren say that there were three _champions_ here? I'd forgotten all about it... but if Bel was the third, why was she laughing like a ten-year-old? I pushed the thoughts to the back of my mind and tossed the ball.

"Go, whatever!" The ball erupted into white light. As the sphere flew back to my hand and the light subsided, a small, bipedal shape formed. It was bright orange (probably a fire type) and black. The Pokémon stood up proudly, its large snout thrust up in the air. Its huge nostrils flared with a few bright sparks the same colour as the patch between its eyes. Black ears twitched inquisitively, surveying the room for anything it could take on. Its curly tail swung eagerly from side to side. Silver eyes flitted around until coming to rest on me.

"Buuu!" it grunted cheerfully.

I was about to greet the little pig but as I opened my mouth and uttered the first syllable I was pushed to the side by a squealing Bel. "Ahaha, oh Arceus, he looks like he's wearing little pants!" The obviously Sinnoh girl picked up the Pokémon and hugged it close to her face. I was considering telling her that that was a bad idea, but my new starter only smiled at her. She thrust him back at me and bounced her own Pokéball on her palm. "Wonder what I've got here?"

The warm pig in my arms flinched at the next burst of light. The second strange Pokémon of the day strode away from the glow itself, almost seeming to brush off the brightness. Its curved body tapered to two ends, one a tail covered in lush foliage, the other a slim nose delicately upturned. Small green arms were folded over as its half closed yellow eyes regarded us coolly, glancing from a certain handsome teen to a certain childish blonde. Upon seeing my own Pokémon it nodded and walked over to Bel on its small, flimsy legs and extended a hand to shake, which the girl took eagerly.

"Well, how do you do, Mr. Snooty?" The Pokémon, which I assumed to be a grass type, seemed a little taken aback but recovered near instantly. Bel grinned. "Ahaha, you're so cute~!" Just like she had done to my Pokémon, she picked it up and squeezed it tight. I could see Mr. Snooty (well, I might as well call it that) struggling for breath but he seemed oddly comfortable with his new trainer.

"So if he's gonna be Mr. Snooty," I mused, looking down at my piggy, "then you're gonna be Bacon, alright?" I realised the name had the bad connotation that I would eat the thing, but it was far too appropriate for me to pass up.

"Buu!" it oinked, but I wasn't sure if it was approval or annoyance.

"Hey, Whatsaface, we should totally battle!" Bel had released her tight grip on Mr. Snooty but still cradled him close.

I frowned. "Like, right now?"

She grinned even wider, which I didn't think was possible. "Yes, right now! Come on, Mr. Snooty, show your stuff!"

"But we don't even know their moves!" I protested. A soft sigh came from behind me.

"They're starters, you fool. They all have the same basic abilities." Cheren's voice was filled with poorly disguised annoyance.

"Well, excuuuse me, Princess," I snapped back, turning to face him and secretly glad I had finally been able to retort properly. But what I saw as my eyes met his was almost enough to make me drop Bacon in shock.

His Pokémon was, well, scary. It had the makings to be cute, for sure, but it was just executed all wrong. Or maybe it was simply because the white and blue creature was sending a hideous glare in my direction, dark eyes squinted and staring down a large round nose. Its pale face was splattered with what looked like freckles. Small triangle ears were pulled back, as if it couldn't bear to listen to I nor the equally stunned young woman beside me. A dark blue ruff concealed its neck from the world, high above an odd rocky feature present on the Pokémon's stomach which looked almost like a shell. Cheren noticed what I was looking at, and smiled down at his Pokémon.

Oh man. It was genuine. He _liked_ the thing.

Still hypnotised by the eerie otter's gaze, I was gripped tightly by the shoulder and twisted around. Bel shook me back and forth, to which both I and Bacon protested weakly. "C'mooon, baaaaattle!"

"Fi-i-ine, whate-e-ver!" I mumbled dizzily. She leapt back with a cheer.

"Alright, Mr. Snooty, take 'em out!" She pointed at me melodramatically. Mr. Snooty jumped out of her arms and onto the floor, staring at me and my Pokémon with that smug little smile of his. I sighed.

"Okay, Bacon, show 'em your stuff!" Bacon also leapt free of his fleshy restraints and pawed at the ground eagerly.

Suddenly, an odd feeling washed over me. My eyes were seeing things sharply and the excitement of a battle welled up inside, as if I were that wide-eyed little ten-year-old all over again. Adrenaline rushed to every extremity, my heart pounding loudly in my ears and butterflies making a nest in my stomach. It felt amazing. I could just shout!

...So I did. "Bacon, go for a tackle attack!" I yelled a tad too loudly. With an excited "Kbuu!" he charged at the snake Pokémon, his head flailing wildly. Mr. Snooty hadn't anticipated our opening speed and as Bacon crashed into his slight body he went flying back and slammed into the wall. I couldn't help but feel a surge of pride. "Awesome work!"

"Ahh, don't take that lying down!" Bel encouraged her Pokémon. "Get back on your feet and just send them a tackle back, right, right?" Mr. Snooty hopped up as if it had not been touched in the slightest, and sent Bacon a return package at blinding speed. Bacon tried his best to sidestep but was still grazed and sent careening into the large box. A small growl met my ears, which slowly got louder and louder.

"Bacon, you okay?" I asked, peering into the box. With as fierce a roar a tiny pig could make, Bacon leapt free of the packaging pellets and springboarded off my head. As I winced in pain and turned around, I saw the fire type diving head first, his eyes set intently on his green target.

CRACK.

Oh, Jesus, that sounded like it hurt.

Both Pokémon stumbled around dizzily, occasionally bumping into each other and swiping blindly at the air. Both Bel and I tried snapping our Pokémon out of it by calling their names but they still fell over each other or decided to pick on a desk leg. I quickly searched around me for something to help. There, lying next to the box and covered in a shower of white foam was exactly what I needed. I dashed over and grabbed it.

"Wrapping ball, go!" I hurled the tightly packed ball right at my Pokémon, nailing him square in the head (fifteen years of practice, y'know?). Bacon blinked a few times and shook his head. "Finish him off!" I shouted. Bacon twisted around to see his opponent kicking a clock from my bedside table around. He tensed himself and thrust forward with all his might. He rammed into the grass-type, but instead of pushing him into a wall instead ran around in wide laps, Mr. Snooty still being carried by the centrifugal force.

Bacon chose that moment to stop dead in his tracks, but Newton's first law enacted on the poor snake who flew right out the window, which I hadn't bothered to close after Cheren's first visit. Bel screamed. "Oh my God, Mr. Snooty!" She bolted to the window. "Hang on, I'm coming!" And, of course, she leaped out right after him. Again, second storey, people.

I glanced over at Cheren. He was making a sort of irritated half-smile. "It's about time we head off, anyway." He and his astoundingly creepy Pokémon turned to leave. A warm figure rubbed against my leg. Bacon looked up at me, a huge smile on his little face.

"That was good work, buddy." I pulled his Pokéball out of my pocket and tapped it to his nose. "Have a rest, okay?" He dissolved into crimson light and was sucked within the sphere. I, too, began to walk down the stairs to follow Cheren wherever he was going before I took one last look at my room.

Well, it was totally trashed. The only thing that wasn't broken, tipped over or just messed up was the TV. I grinned nervously, and glanced up (my nervous habit). The grin fell. How the Jesus did pig tracks get on the ceiling?

I dashed downstairs and slammed the door shut, positive I'd never be in there again.

Oh my God, my hand is killing me, so I'm gonna take a rest for now. There's more to come but I don't think it's really that interesting, do you?

What am I talking about, you are a journal.

So yeah, enough for tonight, I've gotta get some sleep – hey, HEY, BACON, SPLODEYFACE ISN'T EDIBLE_


End file.
